Fooling the fans
by Thisissecret
Summary: Bakura and Ryou have had enough of all the yaoi fangirls and decide to take matters into their own hands by making an announcement on tv, but things don't go as planned... BxR


Warning: Tendershipping and mentions of Puzzleshipping. Mild yaoi. Swearing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh

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Bakura growled in annoyance, pale fingers drumming roughly against the hard surface of the table, causing the wooden legs to tremble threateningly. Ryou payed his yami no notice, but the violent shake of the table seemed to unnerve their companion.

"Er... Bakura-san?"

The mans head whipped up quickly, the long silver strands of his hair making a low swishing noise as they were pulled through the air. Bakura's chocolate coloured eyes seemed to take on a crimson shade as they fell upon the man who had spoken. "What?"

The tomb robber couldn't help but smirk as the man he had spoken to began to shift uncomfortably under his burning gaze.

"I just.. uh... we're about to go on air and I... I think you should calm down a bit... You don't want to … er... _scare_ your fans," the brunet stuttered, fidgeting with the sleeves of his neat suit. Bakura absently noted that the corners of the suit were beginning to wear thin, even though the rest of it looked new.

"But that's just what I want to do, isn't it?" Bakura said sweetly. The reporter winced, sensing something venomous laced beneath the to-happy voice and was about to reply, but was interrupted by Ryou.

"Please calm down," the boy requested silently, looking into the muscular mans eyes. "And please don't scare the staff..." he added as an afterthought, giving the presenter a thoughtful glance.

"But this is degrading! What am I supposed to do?" the older of the two grumbled, folding his arms across his chest, creasing his striped shirt in the process.

"I'm also upset, but getting angry won't help our situation," Ryou tried, wanting the yami to calm down before he got them both kicked out of the studio.

Bakura considered the teens words for a few moments before giving his reply. "I'm just angry that the producers and managers let it get this far! They could have stopped this before it got out of hand and–"

The thief was interrupted by the sound of someone counting down. He exhaled slowly, collecting himself one last time.

"..three, two, one... Go!"

"Hello everyone and welcome to todays show. With us this evening, we have Bakura Ryou-san and Yami Bakura-san, from the amazingly popular TV series Yu-Gi-Oh, here to make an important announcement to all their fans." All traces of the mans previous nervousness were gone and Bakura couldn't help but feel impressed at how well the man was at hiding his emotions.

The room suddenly fell silent as the reporter waited for one of the guests to speak. Bakura glanced at his hikari, who looked a startling shade of green. The tomb robber took on the task of leading their speech, since it was quite clear that his host wouldn't be saying anything any time soon.

"Greetings mortals," Bakura droned sarcastically. "I'm here today to speak directly to my and yadonoushi's fan girls and fan boys. More specifically, all the yaoi fans."

Bakura paused to see if anyone needed to cut in, but the studio remained quiet, so he continued to speak.

"So, how many of you are guilty of so called 'Tendershipping'? C'mon, raise your hands, don't be shy." His voice was dripping with sarcasm, but no one seemed to notice, much to the yami's irritation. Why did everyone have to hang on every bloody word he said?

Bakura tried not to shudder as _everyone_ in the room, including the eighty-something year old camera man, raised their hands. With a resigned sigh, he leaned over to his hikari, arms draped around the others slender frame. "Seeing as it is so popular, we have an announcement to make." He let his fingers dance up the length of Ryou's arm, watching as the audience and the camera crew's eyes grew wide in anticipation. His arms moved higher, higher, pulling gently at the fabric of the others shirt... Then, without warning, a vicious smirk spread across his face and he pulled away.

"Got ya!" he howled, a deep chuckle rising from his chest. He then seemed to realize that he was the only one who found this situation funny. Bakura's gaze wandered across the stunned expressions of the seated guests and face suddenly became stern as he continued to speak. "But enough with the jokes, it's time to get down to business! And the topic of the day is 'why Tendershipping will never work'!"

Shocked gasps filled the room and the old cameraman looked ready to burst into tears.

"First of, and take notes now people, because I will only say this once: _I__am __n__ot gay! _And neither is_ he!_" Bakura exclaimed, gesturing towards the younger boy. A loud flutter of laughter blew across the audience and Bakura was sure he herd someone go into hysterics.

"I'm being serious! It's all in the deluded minds of you fans! What's up with you? Why do all yaoi fans think that every hot bishounen character is gay?" Bakura growled insistingly. "And that leads me on to another thing: fan fiction! I don't know _who _started this... this _idiocy_, but it's contributing to the spreading of this 'Tendershipping'. Besides, have you even read any of the stuff? About half of it is about me beating yadonoushi to the brink of death! Why the fuck would I do that? I don't get any personal gain from it! I'm _inhabiting _his body! If _he_ gets injured then _so. Do. I_!"

The white-haired man was now panting, fury and irritation painted across his features. He was about to go off into another rant, but held his tongue wen he felt a gentle touch against his arm.

"I would like to add something to this..." Ryou murmured, trying to keep his voice from sounding to weak. He looked up at Bakura, who nodded, encouraging him to continue. "All you fans seem to think that I st–would stay with him wh–if that ever happened and that I fo– would forgive him and act as if nothing ever happened..." the boys voice trailed of and he was suddenly nervous, realizing that all eyes where on him. Cheeks burning a furious shade red, he tried to come up with something to say, but was saved by his yami.

"Another thing I'd like to ask is fan art. Why? Just... why? I'll admit, they _look _like us, but that's part of the problem! What will our future _girlfriends _say when they find pictures like that of us? They'll think we're good for nothing, cheating man-whores!"

"A-and that's not all..." Ryou added, voice breaking slightly. "There are a lot of stuff w-with us and the other Yu-Gi-Oh cast, which has caused problems for m–er..– _Yugi's _and Yami'srelationship..."

"Anyway, getting back to the fan fiction," Bakura cut in. "What's with all these nicknames? _'Kura? _I would never let him degrade me in such a way! And me calling himRyou-_chan_? The hell? That's just to sick for words!" He took a deep breath before continuing. "What is it about all this you find appealing? Since we look the same, you might as well have drawn someone hugging or kissing their own fucking reflection! And for once, I'm not accusing anyone, I genuinely want to know why! Is there something I've missed? Is going at it with a body double considered hot nowadays?"

The reporter looked like he was about to interrupt them, but the thief continued. "And then there's this pet aspect. You know the 'Bakura-and-Ryou-are-happily-married-but-something-is-missing-in-their-lives-and-since-they-can't-have-a-baby-they-must-have-a-pet-and-oh-the-pet-must-be-a-fucking-cat-fics'. Why a _cat_? _Why _this obsession with cats? And _why_ this ongoing comparing us to said cats? Do I look like a cunning Persian? Does yadonoushi look like a fluffy kitten? I. Think. Not!"

Again, the reporter looked ready to cut in, but Ryou opened his mouth to speak.

"Also, I don't like how I'm always the uke," Ryou complained, ignored the snicker coming from Bakura's direction. "I mean, I may be younger and smaller, but don't even get to be seme on occasion! Even Yami lets Yugi top every now and then!"

The reporter now saw it a good time to cut in. "And that, ladies and gentleman, concludes todays show–"

"And another thing!" Bakura interrupted, suddenly realizing something. "The age difference! He's what, sixteen? I'm _five thousand_ years and counting! That's waaay beyond pedophilia! That's just fucking gross! Even in the alternate universe fics, I'm portrayed much older then he is! It's fucking horrible!"

Ryou nodded firmly in agreement, silently sympathizing with whoever was editing this and had the task of censoring whatever was coming out of Bakura's mouth.

"So, to conclude this discussion, Tendershipping is stupid, illogical, disturbing and gross. I ask all people who value their lives to delete every Bakura/Ryou romance fics they have written and burn any fan art. Anyone caught writing and-or drawing anything remotely slashy between me and Ryou shall die. Slowly. Or sent to the shadow realm. Whichever I feel like."

An extremely awkward silence filled the studio. The presenter was stunned, the camera man had gone home and about half of the members of the studio audience were in tears with crushed, heart broken expressions of agony written across their faces.

"Well yadonoushi, it seems our job here is done," Bakura smirked, tugging at his hikari's arm.

"Thank you for letting us come on todays show," Ryou smiled, bowing politely as the yami pulled him of stage.

The studio fell silent as the pair left, the people to shocked to care that the presenter hadn't seen them off. Said presenter suddenly seemed to come to his senses.

"Bakura Ryou and Yami Bakura everyone! Please give them a round of applause!"

The studio remained silent.

Someone coughed.

Someone else dropped a coin.

"_Ngh... Not now, 'Kura."_

"_Aw, C'mon Ryou! Why not?"_

"_Because we just told the world that we are not and never will be in a relationship–"_

"_But now we have the world fooled. Just think, no more fan girls, no more paparazzi shots... Now come here!"_

Several short gasps were heard, followed by a barely muffled moan.

A gasp of surprise swept over the audience, as well as the presenter. What was... going on?

"_Ngh... We really shouldn't... Not in their bathrooms...."_

"_And why not?"_

_More gasps. A long groan._

"_Oh yeees, 'Kuraa!"_

"Um.." Something seemed to click in the presenters mind. He grew unsure of what to do. Because the camera man had gone home and the editors seemed to be as stunned as the studio audience, there was no one to cut for credits.

… Besides, he wanted to know how this was going to end...

The panting continued, growing more and more labored by the minute. The poor presenter looked about ready to faint, but the studio audience looked pleased. Actually, they looked beyond pleased. Some of them were sitting with sketchpad in hands, while others where writing notes furiously and there was even someone recording the noises on their phone.

"_You like it like this, don't you little hikari?"_

"_Mmm... ye–"_

The pants stopped abruptly.

"_'Kura... You know how we where wearing microphones in there?"_

"_Yes. What of it?"_

"_I... I don't think they were ever turned off... I... eh.... I think they might still be on..."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Well... the light of the one on your cheek is still green..."_

"_...."_

"_..."_

"_Well, fuck!"_

-

A/N: Ah yes, Tendershipping ftw 3

About the story/art "bashing": I did not mean to offend anyone with this. I love fan art/fan fiction (hence why I'm on this website -.-'') and enjoy reading/writing/drawing it. I just thought I'd let the characters mention a few of the more commonly written stuff^^


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